after nine

why do you remind me of that little box? the one stored away, forgotten until now. i don't want to remember the old theatre seats in the room that you said was too full. i thought it was too empty. i don't want to remember the streets with the broken lamp or the dripping water or the way we'd watch our breath blend in with the grey clouds. they way you never listened but pretended you were. the way you'd get angry that i couldn't remember our first conversation. i still can't. the quick glances when no one was watching, the smirks shared over a secret that only we knew, subtle brushes, quiet hello's, the same song replayed. i'm tired of repetition. i guess winter will always remind me of you.

__

This is such a terrible feeling. It's hard to imagine you away.

I feel so alive.

I can feel You all around me.

I love Your word, Your heart, Your plans. You reveal Yourself to me time and time again. Forgive me for doubting Your power for even a second. Be my everything; I am so ready God.

If anything, please don't forget my face or the things I told you. I could have held you tighter or dressed you up in pretty words or laced you up tight with promises but the ending would have been the same. We threw ourselves into the ocean that afternoon and watched our passion for one another crash onto the sand alongside the foam and crystals of the waves.

one day we'll be ready for each other

But until then, cling to the fact that I am here waiting for you, praying for you, and hoping that you are doing alright. All that is good will be achieved in God's timing so please be patient because He is strengthening and molding both of us right now so that we'll be able to love each other at the same time.

it will be worth it, dear

Please, go ahead.

My heart is filled to the very top with emotions and secrets tha terrify me. You may expose the inconsistencies and flaws of my heart to the world. You might even remind me of my past or the lack of persistency stored there. You might one day tell me that I am illy and insignificantly small, that I am weak and unable to stand up on my own. You may try and convince me that I'm not pretty enough, smart enough, good enough and that there is no way that any person will accept me for who I really am. One day, my insecurities, fears, downfalls, and self douby may be revealed. Your words may sting like papercuts soaked in an ocean of salt but I am convinced that there is one part of my heart that you will never be able to tough or impact no matter how many insults or drawbacks you throw my way and that is the power of Jesus Christ in me. Try as you may, to even attempt to grasp at the promise I have in Christ would be pointless because He is my strength and through Him I can accomplish anything. Try all you like. Tell me I'm purposeless, alone, dumb, and worthless. Call out my flaws and lack of individuality. Remind me of my downfalls and my past, encourage me to fall back into my sinful ways and to believe the words those that are close to me say when I'm not listening. Do it. I dare you. Just know that whatever words or events you throw at me will just make me cling to my Saviour even more. it's going to strengthen my faith in Him and remind me that He is the only constant, able being in my life. His promises are the hope that I live after. Do I need to say it again? The events and put-downs that you throw at me will only cause me to cling tighter to my God which will inevitably strengthen my faith in Him. I will still believe. Go ahead and remind me of who I once was and what that person did or did not do. Let meknow that I have no purpose or gift to give to the world. I'll only prove you wrong.